Many of us grow up with ideas about how we should think, feel, and act. These ideas often come from our families, communities, and cultures. They might not be said directly, but they shape our choices and our sense of who we need to be. Over time, these expectations can become part of the voice we carry inside - the one that judges, pressures, and rarely allows us to rest.
In therapy, I often meet people who feel like they are never doing enough. They push through exhaustion, minimize their emotions, and criticize themselves for not being stronger. When we take the time to explore that voice, we usually discover that it didn’t begin with them. It came from somewhere else, and it has been growing louder for years.
This blog is an invitation to look gently at that voice. Where did it come from? How did it get so loud? And what might it feel like to speak to yourself with kindness instead?
The messages we carry
The inner critic is not something we are born with. It forms over time. In childhood, we start to pick up on what is praised and what is judged. We notice who gets attention, who is expected to stay quiet, and what kind of strength is celebrated.
Here are some of the messages I often hear from clients, especially those who come from immigrant families, collectivist cultures, or communities that have experienced systemic discrimination:
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You have to be strong all the time
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Do not make things harder for your family
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Keep your problems to yourself
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Work twice as hard to prove yourself
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Put others first, always
These messages are often rooted in love and survival. For many families, especially those who have faced racism, poverty, or displacement, staying quiet and striving for excellence felt like the safest path. But those strategies can also become heavy. They ask us to leave parts of ourselves behind.
How those expectations shape our self-talk
When these cultural or familial expectations go unquestioned, they begin to speak from within. Instead of being motivated by care or curiosity, we are pushed by fear, guilt, or shame.
You might notice thoughts like:
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I should be able to handle this.
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I am being selfish for needing rest.
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I can’t let anyone down.
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I must always be the one who has it together.
This kind of self-talk is not helpful. It disconnects us from our needs, limits, and emotions. It often leads to perfectionism, burnout, and a constant sense of falling short.
In communities where identity is tied closely to reputation, family honour, or community expectations, the pressure to succeed can be even more intense. It may feel like there is no room to pause or ask for support. And yet, that is often exactly what is needed.
The weight of perfectionism
Perfectionism can seem like a strength, but it often comes from a deep fear of rejection or failure. The belief underneath it says, “If I get everything right, maybe I will be safe. Maybe I will be loved.”
Perfectionism rarely offers peace. It keeps us striving without allowing us to rest. Even when we succeed, the voice says, “You should have done more.”
In Canada, researchers at the University of British Columbia have explored the connection between perfectionism and mental health. Their work shows that perfectionism can contribute to depression, anxiety, and self-criticism, especially among youth and young adults (UBC Psychology – Hewitt Lab).
Anxiety Canada also offers tools for people working through perfectionism. They suggest setting more realistic goals, speaking to yourself with compassion, and practicing flexibility (Anxiety Canada).
Letting go of perfectionism is not about lowering your standards. It is about treating yourself like a person, not a project.
When guilt becomes a habit
In many cultural and religious communities, guilt is used to guide behaviour. Guilt can help us reflect and take responsibility, but when it becomes chronic, it starts to weigh us down. We feel guilty for resting, saying no, or not meeting invisible expectations.
This is especially common among caregivers, women, and people who were raised to always think of others first. Guilt can show up even when we are doing something as simple as taking a break or asking for help.
The Canadian Mental Health Association notes that guilt, when left unexamined, can interfere with our sense of well-being and lead to isolation or avoidance (CMHA).
Naming guilt is the first step. You can begin to ask: Is this guilt based on my values, or someone else’s rules? Do I really believe I am doing something wrong, or am I afraid of how I will be seen?
The role of therapy in unlearning harmful narratives
One of the most powerful things we can do in therapy is to notice which parts of our identity feel chosen, and which feel assigned.
Therapy is a space where we can ask questions like:
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Where did I learn this rule about how I should live?
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What would it feel like to say no?
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What would I choose if I wasn’t afraid of disappointing others?
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Who am I when I am not performing for approval?
Together, we can begin to shift the tone of your inner voice. You can learn to speak to yourself in the way you wish others had spoken to you. You can begin to release roles that feel too heavy and return to what feels true.
This work takes time. It is not about blaming your family or culture. It is about understanding where you’ve come from and choosing how you want to move forward.
What healing the inner critic can look like
Here are a few small steps that many of my clients find helpful as they begin this work:
1. Write down the rules you grew up with.
List the messages you heard about success, emotion, family, or identity. Then ask: do I still believe this? Where did it come from?
2. Notice your tone.
Pay attention to how you speak to yourself, especially when you make a mistake. Would you speak this way to someone you love?
3. Try a new phrase.
Replace a common critical thought with a gentle truth.
Instead of “I should be doing more,” try “I am allowed to rest.”
Instead of “I’m not good enough,” try “I am learning, and that is enough.”
4. Let yourself feel without fixing.
When a wave of guilt, anxiety, or fear comes up, try to name it without rushing to change it. You can say, “This is guilt. I know where it comes from. I can stay with it and still make a choice that honours me.”
5. Seek support that reflects your identity.
Many Canadians benefit from working with therapists who understand their cultural background. If you feel like your experiences are often misunderstood, you are not imagining it. There are therapists and counselling practices, like Jadestone Counselling, that honour your story and hold space for complexity.
You do not have to carry these voices forever
The inner critic may have helped you survive, succeed, or stay safe. But it is not the only voice you have. There is also a part of you that knows how to care, how to rest, and how to speak gently to yourself.
You can begin to listen to that part. You can notice when the old stories come up, and choose something new. Over time, your inner voice can become softer, clearer, and more true to who you really are.