There are moments in life when it can feel as if the decisions we make barely matter. Days can begin to blur into one another, guided more by obligations than by intention. In these moments, it is easy to feel like a cog in a much larger machine, simply turning because that is what is expected.
Feeling this way does not mean you are broken or lacking ambition. It often means you have been operating within systems, relationships, or routines that leave little space for your own needs. While there are many external factors you cannot control, it is possible to reclaim a sense of agency by tuning in to what truly matters to you, creating small areas of choice, and connecting with people who reflect your values.
Regaining agency is not about overhauling your life overnight. It is about gently tilting the lens you are looking through so that you can see possibilities that once felt hidden.
When you have been on autopilot for a long time, it can be difficult to answer a simple question: What do I actually want? The constant noise of responsibilities, expectations, and societal messages can drown out the quieter voice within.
The first step is to create opportunities to listen to yourself without judgement. This may mean setting aside a few minutes each day for reflection, journaling, or even walking without your phone. The goal is to notice the moments in which you feel aligned with yourself, and the moments when you feel drained or disconnected.
Some helpful prompts include:
What activities give me energy, even when they are challenging?
When do I feel most like myself?
Whose opinions matter to me, and why?
By becoming more aware of these answers, you begin to identify the values that are already guiding you, often without your conscious awareness. This self-knowledge forms the foundation for making choices that feel more intentional.
In therapy, this exploration can be supported with approaches such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), both of which help you clarify your values and connect them to meaningful action. A counsellor can guide you through this process while also helping you navigate the discomfort that sometimes arises when you begin to change long-standing patterns.
When life feels overwhelming, the idea of reclaiming control can seem impossible. It helps to start small. Instead of focusing on every area of your life at once, choose one space where you can make decisions based on your values.
This might be as simple as how you spend your first 15 minutes in the morning, what kind of breaks you take during your workday, or how you approach a single conversation. Small, value-based choices build momentum. They remind you that even in the midst of external pressures, you still have the ability to influence your own experience.
For example:
If connection is a core value, you might choose to call a friend instead of scrolling through your phone during lunch.
If creativity matters to you, you might spend a few minutes sketching, cooking something new, or listening to music that inspires you.
If rest is a priority, you might choose to leave a social gathering early so you can recharge.
In a Canadian context, research from the Canadian Mental Health Association highlights that even small lifestyle adjustments can improve overall wellbeing, especially when they align with personal priorities. These micro-decisions act like gentle course corrections, steering you toward a life that feels more like your own.
Agency thrives when it is supported by community. While personal reflection and small choices are important, their impact grows when you are surrounded by people who respect and share your values.
Sometimes this means seeking out new spaces. You might join a local hobby group, a volunteer organization, or an online community dedicated to causes you care about. Other times, it means setting new boundaries within your existing relationships to ensure they honour your sense of self.
Being part of a values-aligned community creates a sense of belonging and encouragement. It also provides perspective. When you hear stories from others who are making intentional choices, you are reminded that change is possible in different ways.
For those who have experienced trauma or systemic barriers, community can be an essential part of healing. In Canada, organizations like the Canadian Centre for Victims of Torture and MOSAIC BC provide culturally responsive spaces where people can rebuild their sense of agency after adversity. These communities often combine practical support with the deep validation that comes from being truly seen.
It is important to acknowledge that not everyone has the same freedom to make changes in their life. Financial constraints, caregiving responsibilities, workplace demands, or discrimination can limit options. Recognizing these barriers does not mean giving up on agency. Instead, it means approaching change with compassion for yourself and awareness of your circumstances.
You may not be able to alter the larger systems around you right away, but you can still create moments of choice within them. Even a small shift, like advocating for one flexible work day a month, or carving out a weekly hour for something meaningful to you, can be a powerful reminder that your life is your own.
Therapy can provide tools for navigating these barriers. Approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help you identify patterns of thinking that reduce your sense of control, while somatic therapies such as EMDR can help you process experiences that have made you feel powerless.
For people who have experienced trauma, reclaiming agency can be an even more layered process. Trauma often involves having control taken away, whether through a single event or through ongoing harm. As a result, it can be difficult to trust yourself, trust others, or believe that your choices matter.
In trauma-informed therapy, rebuilding agency happens gradually. It begins with creating safety, both internally and in the therapeutic relationship. This might mean learning grounding techniques to manage anxiety, or setting clear boundaries within sessions so that you always know you have choice in the process.
Over time, therapy can help you integrate past experiences without letting them define your present. This allows you to make decisions from a place of strength, rather than fear. For some clients, the first step might be simply noticing when they have a choice and naming it out loud. Even this awareness can be deeply empowering.
Once you have begun to identify your values, make small choices, and connect with community, you can deepen your sense of agency by weaving it into daily life. Some ways to practice include:
Saying “no” to commitments that do not align with your priorities, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Taking ownership of your schedule by blocking off time for rest or creative pursuits.
Speaking up in situations where your perspective is often overlooked.
Choosing relationships that are reciprocal and supportive.
Regularly revisiting your values and adjusting your actions to stay aligned.
Agency is not a fixed state you achieve once and then keep forever. It is something you cultivate over time, and it will look different depending on the season of life you are in. There will be days when it feels easier, and days when it feels far away. On the harder days, returning to small, intentional choices can help you rebuild momentum.
While many people begin this journey on their own, therapy offers a unique space to explore it more deeply. A therapist can help you uncover the beliefs, fears, and patterns that limit your sense of control, and offer tools to make intentional choices.
At Jadestone Counselling, we approach this work with compassion and respect for each person’s lived experience. Whether through somatic practices like EMDR, emotion-focused work, or values-based approaches like ACT, our goal is to help you become the author of your own story.
We understand that reclaiming agency is not about becoming entirely independent or rejecting support. It is about having the freedom to make choices that feel right for you, and the confidence to trust your own voice.
If you are feeling stuck or disconnected from your sense of agency, know that you are not alone. Many people reach points in their life where the path ahead feels uncertain or predetermined. By tuning in to your values, making intentional choices in even small ways, and connecting with supportive communities, you can begin to shift how you see yourself in your own story.
You are more than a cog in a machine. Your voice matters, your choices matter, and it is possible to live in a way that reflects the person you truly are.
If you would like support in reclaiming your sense of agency, we welcome you to reach out to Jadestone Counselling. Together, we can explore what matters most to you and create steps toward a life that feels authentically yours.